Have you ever caught yourself people-pleasing?
If you’re anything like me, it probably started young. You were praised for being kind, sweet, giving, caring, and helpful. You learned that your value came from how well you made others feel. And that felt so good.
But what happens when these beautiful traits become your downfall?
People Pleasing | Kindness Taken Too Far
How the Pleaser Saboteur Sabotages Self-Love — and How to Reclaim It
In Positive Intelligence, we talk about the Pleaser Saboteur — the shadow side of kindness. And it shows up like this:
- You constantly prioritize others’ needs over your own.
- You feel resentful but don’t know how to say no.
- You give and give… but feel empty inside.
- You crave appreciation and affection but rarely receive it.
Sound familiar?
The sneaky thing about People Pleasing
That’s the sneaky thing about people pleasing: it feels like love… but it’s actually fear.
The fear of not being liked. Of not being enough. Of being abandoned. Of dying friendless and alone. Aaaaargh.
So we overgive. We overdeliver. We bend ourselves into knots — not because it brings us joy, but because we’re looking for love in all the wrong places.
And it’s exhausting.
Listen to this episode on Spotify
Here’s the truth that changed everything for me:
When giving comes from joy, it energizes you. When giving comes from neediness, it depletes you.
Let that sink in.
The difference is where it’s coming from.
So how do you know? Ask yourself:
- Am I giving for the joy of it?
- Or because I want approval?
- Am I choosing this? Or do I feel obligated?
The Danger of Giving from an Empty Cup
When people pleasing becomes a way of life, it leads to burnout, resentment, even toxic relationships.
You start attracting partners, clients, or friends who take and take — because deep down, you don’t believe you can say no.
But you can.
You must.
Because every time you abandon yourself for the sake of others, you reinforce the belief that your needs don’t matter.
And that’s simply not true.
Related: Silence Your Inner Critic Using Positive Intelligence
You matter. Your needs matter.
The first step to healing the Pleaser Saboteur?
Start asking: What do I need?
It might feel foreign at first. Maybe even selfish. But that question is your way back home to yourself.
The more you check in with yourself, the more you’ll discover your joy. Your yeses and nos will become clearer. Your resentment will start to lift. Your energy will begin to return.
You’ll begin to notice where you’ve been giving out of habit, out of guilt, or out of fear — and slowly but surely, you’ll start to shift.
One loving boundary at a time. One pause before saying yes. One breath before answering a request.
This is how the rewiring begins.
And it doesn’t have to be done alone.
Rewiring your brain from people-pleasing to self-honoring takes practice, compassion, and support. That’s why community and coaching are so powerful — they help you remember who you are beneath the patterns. They remind you that you’re not broken. You’re simply in the process of returning to yourself.
So if you’re ready to stop abandoning yourself and start showing up fully as the beautiful, powerful woman you are, know that you have options. It all starts with one brave yes to YOU.
Want some help uncovering where your Pleaser is running the show?
📥 Download my free guide: Your Permission Slip — it’s filled with mindset shifts, reflection prompts, and a peek into my own burnout-to-breakthrough story.
And if you’re ready to go deeper, let’s connect:
You don’t have to earn your worth. You were born worthy.